Shame

Do you know the feeling of total freedom? I find it seldom but there have been moments in my life when I felt this total abundance of freedom. I felt it in my hair on a crystal white snowboard slope; I felt in the moment when the ball that I shot hit the net; and I also felt it biking, free handed biking because my arms were stretched out to embrace the world, the entire universe and as my arms were reaching out, my body was upright and my head turned to the sky, I was rolling, flowing, gliding with my bike through the world, with my bike to all my dreams. That’s one of those magic moments of total freedom.
I came from the library, one chilly autumn day. I had found interesting books and read new thoughts which made me so happy and lighthearted that I felt like biking hand free. I was biking through the park where I usually play football, close to home. So I had everything under control. All my senses were enjoying the abundance of freedom and lightheartedness. Until I saw a gang of three guys taking up the entire way. I knew them. They hung out on the football ground where children can play and where they leave broken glass of their booze behind. Careless. I knew them. It is those guys who are so afraid of the world that they cling to the backstabbing hands of beer and vodka bottles, to at least get hold of something in this world. Also that day they walked down the bike way with their bottles of cheap beer, beer cheaper than water.
In our society there is not much space for magic moments and so I prepared to bike around them. They did not seem to be getting out of the way. From near distance they started hissing at me. I figured they had recognized me. Too late did I realize that they were actually launching on me. In an attempt to avoid one guy to push me from my bike I went to the grass in a big curve but he came running and pushed me from my bike. I fell from the bike and rolled over the lawn. But the guys were not done yet. Now they wanted money from me or a mobile phone. While getting back up on my feet I said that I had neither. One guy started to attack me, by pushing me backwards. I could see the alcohol in his ……!. The other two were backing him up, with beer bottles in their hands. I figured that there is no point in getting into a real fight, so I let him push me around. Again and again. Finally they got tired of this. I was no street fight material. But my bike seemed like a perfect victim for their drunken courage. While one guy started to leave, the other two started jumping on my bike; on the wheels and the frame; on the lights and the chain; I stood by. Shocked more than afraid.
And then I started to look around. It was day time, late afternoon, in the middle of a park that lies in the middle of the city. There were actually people around. There were people watching from a few balconies. There were those who came from shopping and those who came from work. And in that moment, when the realization struck me, that there were people around, I felt as alone as never before and never after. My bike got ruined. My clothes got dirty and torn. Otherwise I was fine. Shaking but fine. Shaking and alone. I took my bike on my shoulder and went home. Defeated – not by the drunken bricks but by society. Shame I felt rising in me and with shame in my eyes I looked at the people who had witnessed the scene. None came to help. In the middle of the city.
Moments of total freedom have made me experience what can be possible. They made me see what I can do. In that moment of shame, I saw into the grand canyon of our world, miles deep where moral and solidarity are forever buried. Because the truth is, that there are more young, too young persons out there. Alcohol in their hands makes them become time bombs. The truth is that there are worse cases out there, where perpetrators not only jump on wheels and lights but on chests and necks and arms. And people stand by. In the middle of the city. I feel shame.